


SPN Coda 15x18 - Despair

by heylittleangel



Series: Supernatural Codas - Season 15 [18]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Feelings, Grief/Mourning, Hurt Dean Winchester, Hurt No Comfort, M/M, Regretful Dean Winchester
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-11
Updated: 2020-11-11
Packaged: 2021-03-09 22:27:46
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 745
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27513811
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/heylittleangel/pseuds/heylittleangel
Summary: Look at that, I'm all caught up in the codas now!ignores the fact she hasn't posted 15x16 yetHopefully, the last two ones won't take me as long to post it and you'll have the one for 15x19 sometime during the weekend.Enjoy!
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester
Series: Supernatural Codas - Season 15 [18]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1513883
Comments: 2
Kudos: 16





	SPN Coda 15x18 - Despair

**Author's Note:**

> Look at that, I'm all caught up in the codas now! _ignores the fact she hasn't posted 15x16 yet_ Hopefully, the last two ones won't take me as long to post it and you'll have the one for 15x19 sometime during the weekend.
> 
> Enjoy!

Dean completely lost track of time. He lost control of his feelings, of his body, of his mind. The only thing he was absolutely sure of was the shock he felt; it froze his muscles, his limbs, his brain; it made his skin sweat, which then cooled down and made him shiver; it made him oblivious to any and everything around him. Chuck could appear right in from of him, ready for the kill, and Dean would have no reaction whatsoever.

He barely noticed the tears that slowly slid down his cheeks, or the buzzing of his phone against the floor—Sam had called dozens of times already, and, somewhere in Dean’s brain, there was a voice telling him he should pick up, that it may be important, but Dean just couldn’t. He could only stare at the empty spot Cas was on just seconds ago— _ or was it minutes already? Hours, days? _ Dean didn’t know. The only things he was certain of were the pain in his chest, the emptiness in his heart, and the regret running in his veins.

Cas’s voice repeated itself in his brain, moments and snippets of everything they went through, times in which Dean got so close to confessing but never did. For over ten years Dean hid that secret, not even allowing himself to feel it most of the time. For over ten years Dean believed that someone like Cas, a literal Angel of the Lord, could never love someone like Dean, a broken shell of a man and who was anything but a saint or a believer like Cas was.

Although, Dean did believe in one thing: he believed in Cas. He believed Cas would come back, that Cas wouldn’t abandon Dean like everyone else, just like Dean would never abandon Cas. Dean had to believe in that because Cas was his safe harbour, his rock, the person he knew he could count on if needed, because, with Cas, it was easier to be himself; he was allowed not to be “daddy’s blunt instrument” or “Sam’s big brother”. He could just be  _ Dean _ with Cas.

Now, all of that was gone. The only material thing from Cas was his blood on the door and on Dean’s shoulder, his hand print marking Dean like it had more than ten years before, the sigil he made to protect Dean—because of course he sacrificed himself to save Dean, the goddam selfless angel. But now, aside from that,  _ nothing _ ; here wasn’t even a drop of goo on the floor to prove the Empty had come and taken Cas. It could all just be in Dean’s head. One of his constant nightmares, of losing the people he loved, of watching them die and not be able to do anything to stop it. 

But maybe that was it; maybe it was just Dean’s head messing with him. Maybe, if he closed his eyes for just a few seconds, Cas would be there when he opened them again. Maybe he’d open his eyes to see Cas safe and sound, staring at Dean with that head tilt Dean loved so much. Because it  _ had _ to be a nightmare; Dean hadn’t even been able to tell Cas he loved him too; Dean hadn’t had the chance to make himself talk through the shock before the Empty came and snatched the love of his life away from him. Dean needed the chance to make it right.

_ That’s it, I just need to fall asleep again, escape from this nightmare, so I can wake up in the real world and see it was all just a dream _ . Dean slumped against the wall, sliding through it until he hit the floor with a pained grunt. He didn’t even mind the cold and hardness of the ground if it helped him bring Cas back. The weight of Cas’s hand was still on his shoulder, right on top of the faint scar of Cas’s hand print, and Dean focused on that, praying to Cas, begging him to be alive, pleading for him to come back, to be there when Dean woke up.

Deep down, though, Dean knew he was just hoping, that we would wake up to an empty bunker—and everything seemed to be nothing more than just Empty now. In his heart, Dean knew Cas was never going to come back again. He knew that the emptiness had made a home in his heart, never to go away.

**Author's Note:**

> So, did you like it? Leave a comment and a kudo and make this writer very happy!
> 
> As always, you can find me on [ tumblr](gii-heylittleangel.tumblr.com/)


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